You are that person in public
where everybody uses
a secret language
they tell with their eyes...
making fun of you.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Me and her
I stared at the girl from across the room. When she glanced my way, I pretended to be scanning the room. She had no idea that I was watching her. I didn't understand what was happening or why. Suddenly, I spoke and broke the silence.
"She doesn't exist anymore."
I had no idea what came over me to say such words. I looked back at the girl and luckly, she hadn't noticed I spoke at all. Some sad, scratchy voice answered my remark, "you should be so glad you got out when you did." I turned around in a panic to see where it had come from. Nobody behind me. I heard it again, "there are so many beautiful things in this world, you don't deserve to see." "You cannot find who you used to be." The voice was strained and sounded diseased, with panic. "The more you move forward, the more you lose. You cannot bring yourself to listen to the music you love. It haunts you. "Where was it coming from? The girl saw me panicking. She stood. She slowly walked towards the window. She anchored her feet on the edge of my insanity, and then jumped.
"She doesn't exist anymore."
I had no idea what came over me to say such words. I looked back at the girl and luckly, she hadn't noticed I spoke at all. Some sad, scratchy voice answered my remark, "you should be so glad you got out when you did." I turned around in a panic to see where it had come from. Nobody behind me. I heard it again, "there are so many beautiful things in this world, you don't deserve to see." "You cannot find who you used to be." The voice was strained and sounded diseased, with panic. "The more you move forward, the more you lose. You cannot bring yourself to listen to the music you love. It haunts you. "Where was it coming from? The girl saw me panicking. She stood. She slowly walked towards the window. She anchored her feet on the edge of my insanity, and then jumped.
We overlook
"Heard them say I have 14 days left.Have lived a life of omission; I once belonged to someone,
but now I sit here unnoticed and not wanted.
but now I sit here unnoticed and not wanted.
I'm a misplaced apparition.
Of course they are not blameworthy.
Of course they are not blameworthy.
They just don't have the capacity to love us all.
Here I sit against my will -- a cold, damp dwelling.
Still a home, it just provides a captive freedom.
I sense so many frightning smells through these bars.
I know nothing of the meaning of what they call standards or expectations.
They know me as something called naïve?
Because of what I am, or better for what I am not.
I am not them. I do not understand them.
Still a home, it just provides a captive freedom.
I sense so many frightning smells through these bars.
I know nothing of the meaning of what they call standards or expectations.
They know me as something called naïve?
Because of what I am, or better for what I am not.
I am not them. I do not understand them.
But clearly I understand I am not what they want.
The purpose of my existence? I think I had a purpose once,
but they were sightless or couldn’t smell me correctly. I had urges to love them (and gnaw at annoyances in which they called 'chickens').
After all, isn’t that what they did too?
They too ate inferior beasts.
The purpose of my existence? I think I had a purpose once,
but they were sightless or couldn’t smell me correctly. I had urges to love them (and gnaw at annoyances in which they called 'chickens').
After all, isn’t that what they did too?
They too ate inferior beasts.
Why do they hate me for it?
Here I am, lying in my new cold home. But I can't be angry. They gave me a chance and I let them down.
I still love them no matter what they have done to me.
They say I only see black and white.
They say I only see black and white.
But, I see more than they. They are so wrong about me.
So I will sit here and love them until end because that's what my heart has always told me to do."
Tidal Wave
Like me, he was visiting this national attraction with great frustration and apprehension, although I had no idea why. He was an awkward and uncoordinated man. So much so in fact that he nearly knocked me into a jagged rock (on accident) and then apologized profusely. I told him it was quite alright and immediately pitied him because I felt strangely aware of his sorrow. It was clear that he was disoriented and his only aspiration was to re-live his sadness. That's when he began his horrid tale about her. He never looked at me directly. From what I could see of his eyes, they were dark and tired. It almost seemed like whatever it was that had affected him had conquered his very soul. I executed an intense stare, but he showed no recognition that anyone was even around him. It was like he didn't care if anyone was listening to him or not. All he wanted was to release his story from his lips and let the words escape into the dry air. It occured to me that he possessed a rare form of eccentric strength. The kind that materializes from an immense loss, and I knew at that very moment it was her I saw in his eyes. Another elderly man who was with him smacked him hard against his right hip with a cane, in an attempt to jolt him away from telling his story. Despite the rush to inform, he still hesitated a great deal, although his words sounded forced by some raging internal disturbance. I think a large part of him wanted his words to latch tightly to the corresponding memory and to depart into the early evening air, never to be remembered again. “She was… she…” he choked up, “she was… devoured.” It looked as though the memory was devouring him inside out. I shifted, uncomfortable on my feet. “What seemed like hours of struggle lasted only minutes. Time was the accomplice to her most ultimate betrayal…death. Every single moment I look back, I realize the clock conspired against her life at a horrifying speed...” I gulped hard as he shifted his defeated exterior mask down towards the canyon below, showing very little notice to those around him. I lifted my right hand to my heart and looked down at the ground. The poor man, the poor old man. He kept talking and had not recognized my gesture. “…But it was the ocean that… murdered her. That vast beast swallowed her… with such strength that even her raging battle for life was no match. All I did was watch, helpless, as she came to terms with her… greatest failure.” A tear descended from his pink, leathery cheek and splashed upon the dry, reddish dust, sizzling toward its own non-existence. I tried not to focus on it, but my imagination tricked me into thinking that the now-absent tear was somehow trying to perform a reenactment of her described annihilation. I shuddered and felt my own body generate fictitious spikes that engraved the back of my neck. “That was the last time I ever saw her…”
Poor old man, I thought again and again. I wondered how he had failed to notice that the young girl was stooping beside him all along and now was weeping profusely and most likely all in vain, because he didn’t sense her presence…
...and because on that very terrifying day that he described happened years ago, she had witnessed the ironic actuality... he had become nearly deaf, totally blind, and unconsciously crazy when he was beaten by a massive tidal wave.
Poor old man, I thought again and again. I wondered how he had failed to notice that the young girl was stooping beside him all along and now was weeping profusely and most likely all in vain, because he didn’t sense her presence…
...and because on that very terrifying day that he described happened years ago, she had witnessed the ironic actuality... he had become nearly deaf, totally blind, and unconsciously crazy when he was beaten by a massive tidal wave.
I do
Black emptiness, the stark edifice
(the universe) so-called “confining” you,
a transfixing comet.
This contrasting world surrounding,
they think you cannot flee
but I can see it all to clear
your splendor proving darkness breeds
a mockery of your existence.
The outer reaches of our minds eye
could never compete with your distant radiance
(brilliance) light years away,
and you forever ingraining in me
a sense of travesty.
Why? Because.
Nothing could ever compare to you.
Everything else is merely a fake charade,
a parody, a joke.
A world that lacks you is meaningless,
futile and weak
and although it may seem the dark cosmos
captures you from time to time…
you reveal to me this hoax of a world
that cannot hold on to you
but in my heart,
I do.
(the universe) so-called “confining” you,
a transfixing comet.
This contrasting world surrounding,
they think you cannot flee
but I can see it all to clear
your splendor proving darkness breeds
a mockery of your existence.
The outer reaches of our minds eye
could never compete with your distant radiance
(brilliance) light years away,
and you forever ingraining in me
a sense of travesty.
Why? Because.
Nothing could ever compare to you.
Everything else is merely a fake charade,
a parody, a joke.
A world that lacks you is meaningless,
futile and weak
and although it may seem the dark cosmos
captures you from time to time…
you reveal to me this hoax of a world
that cannot hold on to you
but in my heart,
I do.
Visions of You
Sitting outside
in the sting of December air,
far away from remembering
those songs you sang that put me to sleep,
though I'm tired now of listening.
Trust in the stars to solace my sorrow,
losing control in the silence of night,
tired of asking why time steals,
and here I'll remain
comatose
by visions of you.
in the sting of December air,
far away from remembering
those songs you sang that put me to sleep,
though I'm tired now of listening.
Trust in the stars to solace my sorrow,
losing control in the silence of night,
tired of asking why time steals,
and here I'll remain
comatose
by visions of you.
Man in all white
A peculiar landscape.
The sun is shining and it’s pouring rain.
The tree, half alive and half dead, stands alone in the field.
The background entirely made up of intense green leaves
with those protruding ghostly arms beckoning his fate.
The man wearing all white faces away.
A world of irony he aspires to leave behind.
It’s bravery that makes him change when the rest of the world does not.
He has no perception of the isolation that will devour him, terminate him.
The sun is shining and it’s pouring rain.
The tree, half alive and half dead, stands alone in the field.
The background entirely made up of intense green leaves
with those protruding ghostly arms beckoning his fate.
The man wearing all white faces away.
A world of irony he aspires to leave behind.
It’s bravery that makes him change when the rest of the world does not.
He has no perception of the isolation that will devour him, terminate him.
Once stable hands
once stable hands
tick like bombs
necessary matters
unnecessary things
darkness agitates
a swelling heart
his sky had limits
she falls apart
come gather 'round
the count-down place
we all cheer
to a tear-stained face
press your nose hard
against the glass
stare at misfortune
she won't glance back
let's all laugh
he broke her crown
tiny room spins
she crashes down
counting counting
t-minus ten
years fall to pieces
never free again
he craved blood
her hair moved aside
spill your guts
nowhere to hide
loving Mute hears
but can't talk
embrace your fears
experience shock
Mute can scream
from a tear in the eye
no one listened
the sad ones die
tick like bombs
necessary matters
unnecessary things
darkness agitates
a swelling heart
his sky had limits
she falls apart
come gather 'round
the count-down place
we all cheer
to a tear-stained face
press your nose hard
against the glass
stare at misfortune
she won't glance back
let's all laugh
he broke her crown
tiny room spins
she crashes down
counting counting
t-minus ten
years fall to pieces
never free again
he craved blood
her hair moved aside
spill your guts
nowhere to hide
loving Mute hears
but can't talk
embrace your fears
experience shock
Mute can scream
from a tear in the eye
no one listened
the sad ones die
Furious
what right do you have?
thinking you're untouchable
a waste basket has more meaning in life
than you do
take your heart and
inject a syringe of goodness
and you'd still be
despicable to me...
go on
tell me who
you think i am
then i'll tell you
that i'm not
you can't see me
with those dark, dark
heartless
lenses in your eyes...
thinking you're untouchable
a waste basket has more meaning in life
than you do
take your heart and
inject a syringe of goodness
and you'd still be
despicable to me...
go on
tell me who
you think i am
then i'll tell you
that i'm not
you can't see me
with those dark, dark
heartless
lenses in your eyes...
Broken
do you remember
all those years
you promised me
with sweet talk
you'd stay with me?
so how'd you let me
let you go away?
now I don't care
that you're not here
I don't care at all
you're only as far as
a lightning bolt away
so why'd you let me
let you go away?
your thunder keeps me
up at night
i'm being punished 'cause
I can't see the stars
and you're content
with your clear skies
and your breeze brings
a hurricane to me
now I don't care
that you're not here
I don't care at all
now I don't care
that you're not here
I don't care at all
you're the one who's broken
all those years
you promised me
with sweet talk
you'd stay with me?
so how'd you let me
let you go away?
now I don't care
that you're not here
I don't care at all
you're only as far as
a lightning bolt away
so why'd you let me
let you go away?
your thunder keeps me
up at night
i'm being punished 'cause
I can't see the stars
and you're content
with your clear skies
and your breeze brings
a hurricane to me
now I don't care
that you're not here
I don't care at all
now I don't care
that you're not here
I don't care at all
you're the one who's broken
How I should be remembered
Thought this would be funny to post on here. This is my pretend obituary that I had to write for one of my classes this semester. I know, what an optimistic assignment! This pretty much sums up my obsession with music. Enjoy!
December 21, 2056
Kelly Shaw, Devoted Musician, Died at 73
By John Smith
Kelly Shaw, the talented and creative singer and songwriter, died yesterday [12-20-2056] at her home in Vienna, Austria. She was 73. Her death was announced by singer/songwriter legend and close friend, Jarrett Blankenship.
While a college student at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, VA, Shaw studied Business Information Technology at the Pamplin School of Business. After graduating in May 2006, Shaw entered the working world as an Information Technology Specialist at the Government Accountability Office (GAO) in Washington, DC. She spent part of her career auditing other federal agencies' information technology infrastructure. Shaw considered her job to be meaningful and fascinating. She was proud to work at the GAO, part of the legislative branch of the U.S. federal government, because the agency's purpose was to protect the American taxpayers. She found the job to be exciting because of its investigative nature. Shaw's work proved to be successful as she was quoted several times in many testimonies before Congress. "I felt I made substantial personal achievements while working for the federal government and it made me feel stronger as a person," she had said in an interview with VH1.
After many faithful years of service in the government, Shaw decided to change directions completely. Although she considered her work life to be significant, she still wanted to pursue her passion of music. She had already been writing and performing music on the side. Government employee by day and Punk-Pop-Electronica diva by night and on weekends. "It's what I had to do to complete my life," Shaw said. It wasnt long before her on-the-side band had parted ways that she contemplated a solo career in music. She had studied music, both voice and piano, as a child and drew from her past instruction and her creative passion to spark her drive to write and perform her own songs. In February 2014, she realized that she had to decide between her two jobs as to which one would take her further. She waved goodbye to her already successful government career and enthusiastically embraced her new desire to become a full-time musician.
Shaw immediately began sharing her unique style of music with audiences all over the Washington, DC area. She made it her primary purpose to get her music into the ears of anyone who was willing to listen. Consequently, it wasnt long before she had a steady following of people in support of her endeavor. After releasing her first CD, Kelly Shaw became an Oscar nominee for Best Original Song, "Tender and Sweet", which was featured in the movie Mission Impossible 9: MI 9. Her second, third, and fourth CDs made her a multi-platinum artist that redefined the sound of the 2010s and 2020s. Her inspiration came from past musicians like The Beatles, Elliott Smith, Frou Frou, and Sigur Ros.
Shaw was captivated by the combination of genres: Punk, Pop, Folk, Classical, and Electronica. Several of her fans classified her sound as part of the Independent Rock music scene, but most of her fans considered Shaw's music to be something breakthrough and entirely different. Many loyal fans today regard the mood, lyrical quality, and melody of her ingenious music to be the offspring of all music genres brought together and stirred up in a massive bowl. Hence, the genre "Bowl". She will always be remembered for her unique sound. In particular, a steamy, sultry voice and luscious melodies.
Kelly Shaw's survivors include her husband, Chris Carrabba, lead singer and guitarist of emo-alternative band Dashboard Confessional; her two children of Los Angeles, Calif.; and four grandchildren.
Early last year, in an interview with MTV, Shaw was asked if there was anything in her long career that she wished she had done differently. "Although it is natural to think about past experiences and how you would do them differently next time around," she said, "I dont think I would. I would relive my life entirely over again if I could. Besides, I must have done something right if there are people out there willing to remember me for my music, which is what I feel so passionately about."
December 21, 2056
Kelly Shaw, Devoted Musician, Died at 73
By John Smith
Kelly Shaw, the talented and creative singer and songwriter, died yesterday [12-20-2056] at her home in Vienna, Austria. She was 73. Her death was announced by singer/songwriter legend and close friend, Jarrett Blankenship.
While a college student at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, VA, Shaw studied Business Information Technology at the Pamplin School of Business. After graduating in May 2006, Shaw entered the working world as an Information Technology Specialist at the Government Accountability Office (GAO) in Washington, DC. She spent part of her career auditing other federal agencies' information technology infrastructure. Shaw considered her job to be meaningful and fascinating. She was proud to work at the GAO, part of the legislative branch of the U.S. federal government, because the agency's purpose was to protect the American taxpayers. She found the job to be exciting because of its investigative nature. Shaw's work proved to be successful as she was quoted several times in many testimonies before Congress. "I felt I made substantial personal achievements while working for the federal government and it made me feel stronger as a person," she had said in an interview with VH1.
After many faithful years of service in the government, Shaw decided to change directions completely. Although she considered her work life to be significant, she still wanted to pursue her passion of music. She had already been writing and performing music on the side. Government employee by day and Punk-Pop-Electronica diva by night and on weekends. "It's what I had to do to complete my life," Shaw said. It wasnt long before her on-the-side band had parted ways that she contemplated a solo career in music. She had studied music, both voice and piano, as a child and drew from her past instruction and her creative passion to spark her drive to write and perform her own songs. In February 2014, she realized that she had to decide between her two jobs as to which one would take her further. She waved goodbye to her already successful government career and enthusiastically embraced her new desire to become a full-time musician.
Shaw immediately began sharing her unique style of music with audiences all over the Washington, DC area. She made it her primary purpose to get her music into the ears of anyone who was willing to listen. Consequently, it wasnt long before she had a steady following of people in support of her endeavor. After releasing her first CD, Kelly Shaw became an Oscar nominee for Best Original Song, "Tender and Sweet", which was featured in the movie Mission Impossible 9: MI 9. Her second, third, and fourth CDs made her a multi-platinum artist that redefined the sound of the 2010s and 2020s. Her inspiration came from past musicians like The Beatles, Elliott Smith, Frou Frou, and Sigur Ros.
Shaw was captivated by the combination of genres: Punk, Pop, Folk, Classical, and Electronica. Several of her fans classified her sound as part of the Independent Rock music scene, but most of her fans considered Shaw's music to be something breakthrough and entirely different. Many loyal fans today regard the mood, lyrical quality, and melody of her ingenious music to be the offspring of all music genres brought together and stirred up in a massive bowl. Hence, the genre "Bowl". She will always be remembered for her unique sound. In particular, a steamy, sultry voice and luscious melodies.
Kelly Shaw's survivors include her husband, Chris Carrabba, lead singer and guitarist of emo-alternative band Dashboard Confessional; her two children of Los Angeles, Calif.; and four grandchildren.
Early last year, in an interview with MTV, Shaw was asked if there was anything in her long career that she wished she had done differently. "Although it is natural to think about past experiences and how you would do them differently next time around," she said, "I dont think I would. I would relive my life entirely over again if I could. Besides, I must have done something right if there are people out there willing to remember me for my music, which is what I feel so passionately about."
Perfect sin
the haze-streaked trees beyond the lake
swallow the setting sun
final daylight hours accent your eyes
my breathless body stunned
now the rain begins to fall
my body cold, i pull you close
a passion drug, i kiss you deep
beware of my heavy dose
chase me along the lake shore
tempt me, I'm coming back for more
embrace my body, touch my skin
join me in the perfect sin
the heat we make dries the night
i can't control desire
when you lick your lips and kiss my neck
my body is on fire
tonight, baby, i'm all you want
you've been hypnotized
i'll make you burn, i'll make you sweat
so look me in the eyes
we'll find someplace to hide
with only the stars as our guide
embrace my body, touch my skin
join me in the perfect sin
i want to devise a way to stay
i hope my powers last
time is racing like my heart
this night moves way too fast
the stars only shine for us tonight
there we dance under moonlight
i'd sell my soul if it's you i win
so join me in the perfect sin
i've found love, laced with lust
the night is ending and i'll soon be dust
embrace my body, touch my skin
and join me in the perfect sin
swallow the setting sun
final daylight hours accent your eyes
my breathless body stunned
now the rain begins to fall
my body cold, i pull you close
a passion drug, i kiss you deep
beware of my heavy dose
chase me along the lake shore
tempt me, I'm coming back for more
embrace my body, touch my skin
join me in the perfect sin
the heat we make dries the night
i can't control desire
when you lick your lips and kiss my neck
my body is on fire
tonight, baby, i'm all you want
you've been hypnotized
i'll make you burn, i'll make you sweat
so look me in the eyes
we'll find someplace to hide
with only the stars as our guide
embrace my body, touch my skin
join me in the perfect sin
i want to devise a way to stay
i hope my powers last
time is racing like my heart
this night moves way too fast
the stars only shine for us tonight
there we dance under moonlight
i'd sell my soul if it's you i win
so join me in the perfect sin
i've found love, laced with lust
the night is ending and i'll soon be dust
embrace my body, touch my skin
and join me in the perfect sin
You're dead to me
i'm not sure what to think
i don't know what to do
if there is something there
and it's because of you
i may bow my head and cry
and curse your name in vain
i may never tell a soul
even when i'm feeling pain
should you have a right to know
what causes me this grief,
if you're the one that let me go
against my own belief?
i cannot say you betrayed
i cannot tell if you have lied
but know that my decision
could forever haunt you deep inside
even if i do not tell you
i hope somehow you feel my hurt
you are not worth all my tears
you're nothing more than dirt
so if i make the choice
to end what might be there
i know it's for the very best
because i know you wouldn't care
i would have to go it alone
thoughts of us would haunt my head
and the consequence would only know
that once you lived but now you're dead
i don't know what to do
if there is something there
and it's because of you
i may bow my head and cry
and curse your name in vain
i may never tell a soul
even when i'm feeling pain
should you have a right to know
what causes me this grief,
if you're the one that let me go
against my own belief?
i cannot say you betrayed
i cannot tell if you have lied
but know that my decision
could forever haunt you deep inside
even if i do not tell you
i hope somehow you feel my hurt
you are not worth all my tears
you're nothing more than dirt
so if i make the choice
to end what might be there
i know it's for the very best
because i know you wouldn't care
i would have to go it alone
thoughts of us would haunt my head
and the consequence would only know
that once you lived but now you're dead
Snowflakes
the sky is filled with snowflakes. the world outside the window looks all shaken up. our world is just one big snow globe. whatever it is that is out there, violently shaking it up, must be pretty powerful to move something so large. it's pretty outside. it looks like something i have dreamed before. a cold and silent dream, where time stands still. i wish time stood still. i wish i could stand still long enough to catch my breath. i'm exhausted. my days feel all shaken up. i know i am all shaken up... and so is my heart. whatever it is that is out there, violently shaking me up, must be pretty powerful. yeah.
Reflection
college feels like centuries ago. time moves so fast... i'm walking on a treadmill which is my life. i feel like i remain in the same spot, but i have actually covered a lot of ground. it's funny how experiences change you, although i'd like to think that i am actually changing my experiences. i'm learning (slowly) my boundaries and am avoiding breaching them as much as possible. i have discovered that i have less and less of them though. most of the barriers i face are the ones i create for myself. i am trying to be positive and continue to grow and improve who i am. of course, i am always open to any guidance anyone can offer at any time.
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